June, 2008
Dear Readers,
I thank you all for your presence and, from what I see in the statistics, I send warm regards all over the world, even to Japan, Qatar, Dubaï, Syria, Algeria, New Zealand, Pakistan, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Trinidad and Tobago, Bruneï, Oman, Guam, Japan, Egypt, Morocco, Mali, Senegal and Colombia... I see you all know we are relatives in humanity!
A special warm welcome to my readers from Bratislava and Korea!
Asalaam Alaikum, I am an 18yr old Indian Muslim girl living in Australia. I have always been rebellious, but for the last year or so my conscience has caught up with me and I am repenting my sins heavily. I have an atheist boyfriend who is white. I love him, and he loves me. We are not in any ordinary relationship..it is truly different and he is truly honest and pure to the heart. I have been in a relationship with him for 2 years and my parents don’t know! 5 months ago we had intercourse a few times, but then I realised how terribly I had sinned and repented heavily that I spent hours crying to Allah. Since mid-last year I have been suffering from depression and have been suicidal. If it were not for my boyfriend I would be dead; but burning in the fires of hell as suicide is haraam. During my final year of schooling (last year) I thought Allah had turned his back on me, I am ashamed to say, but I know truly realise how sacrilegious this train of thought was and also heavily repented. Because of my depressive nature I began cutting myself on my arms. The other day, having read that the punishment for pre-marital sex is 100 lashes, I cut myself 100 times along my arms. I am an emotional wreck, and though I am antidepressants I am still finding life difficult. I’m scared that God is unhappy with me. Last year I didn’t get into Medicine, so this year I am trying again. I have been praying every Friday, and other days when I am at home and not working. I have been doing charity work for children with special needs and trying very hard to be good. I also battled a bit with looking at pictures of an erotic nature on the Internet, I am so ashamed to say. I struggled with this because when I did it, I would immediately feel guilty. My boyfriend is also helping me through this problem telling me that I should call him when I feel aroused so we can talk about something different like uni or something. He has saved my life, and saved me from hell..but ironically, the sex and even just having him as a boyfriend, even kissing him makes me fear I will go to hell anyway. I am writing to you today because I am lost and don’t know what to do. I love him and I know had I never entered into a relationship with him I would be much more worse off, suicided most likely. He helps me, he cries when I tell him I want to kill myself. He even prays to Allah for me when I ask him to. I beg for forgiveness from Allah, and through prayer, asked him to accept my boyfriend, but I don’t know what is going to happen to me. I feel like I am only ever truly happy knowing I have my boyfriend. My parents were the cause of my depression, they put a lot of pressure on me to do well, and whatever I did was never good enough. They do not know any of what I am telling you, but I need some advice. I love Allah more than anything and I do not fear death because I rejoice in the knowledge that Allah is waiting for me, but right now I don’t know whether he will sentence me to Hell or let me reside in Heaven with him. Please help me, Aunt Latifa
auntlatifa
My dearest, dearest child,
I can imagine that your life is very difficult. You are in the first place feeling guilty for loving a "white" man. Why on earth true love would be bad ? True love is what differentiates humans from animals, love between a man and a woman is the most complete feeling in this life and can make mountains move. Please don't feel ashamed of loving your friend, on the contrary you should be grateful of having found your soulmate in this life, so many others never do find their soulmate and that is a pitty. Your friend as a good human, he is the one that saved your life, that is helping you out each time again. Think of that, cherish him and n,ever feel guilty again for loving him.
Secondly you do have serious psychologically issues, proven by the fact that you are cutting yourself, partly as a punishment for imaginary sins.It is normal to have a sexual relation at your age, and it is even utterly beautiful to have sex with the person you love. It is the ultimate expression of your mutual love and as your boyfriend is good of heart and really serious with you, there is no problem in that relationship. Please go find a psy and have treatment, you need it and it will help you to see clear in yourself and in your life. Be totally honest with your therapist, no fals shame, it will save your life and get you out of your depression, as you will find out the real reason of it.
Thirdly, please do realize that no religion whatsoever should push anyone into a depression or condamn true love in any way. No real God will punish for a thing that is truely sublimating, as love is. Love is the feeling that comes next to communicating with a godly essence, with your deeper self and the one of your partner. Don't throw your life away for any religion, be sure that a true God stands behind well-intentioned and warmhearted humans. Don't let the useless fear of imaginary hell spoil your life, because it is the only one you've got. So live your life in happines and love. Love is a present from God, don't throw that away, use it as it should be used.
All this will shock you, but I am telling this for your own good. Sweep the dark sides of medieval imagination away and open your mind and heart for freedom and happines. Do count on your boyfriend to help you in this and untie dependance on blind relatives and a religion that think that your life belongs to a revengeful and cruel god that doesn't even allow love and peace between all of his human creatures. Don't you see that this principle is even older than the roman device "divide et impera"..."divide and rule". No God does need that.
I am always here to talk to, I know the road will be long and hard but I do hope that you will get out of your depression and that you and your boyfriend will one day be happy together as you both deserve it ! When you will be free of islamic and backwards shackles, you will be able to study whatever you want and to be a free and loving human being, without any fear of imaginary punishments of imaginary and cruel gods from another age.
I give you a big hug and do hope that you will give me some news about you and your truely good boyfriend.
Aunt Latifa 
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Salaam Alaykum. My name is Waseem and im a muslim man 25 years old from the United Kingdom. I have been searching for a wife on a muslim matrimony site. I sent a message to one girl that i particularly liked, didnt expect her to reply me. She is Ukrainian and also a muslimah. First we just started talking as friends by email, and then after by webcam. Then we became closer as we talked everyday, and we just fell in love. And recently we met up, i went to the ukraine, we met up, i stayed there for a week. Thats when we really felt something, it was so special. Now i've come back home, and we miss each other very much. We want to get married, i told my father that i want to marry her. My father said i cant marry her simply because she is not pakistani like me. And he said that i should marry someone from our own culture. I mean the most important thing is that we are both muslims and my parents should be happy that i found someone whom i love. We love each other very much and want to get married to her. And then i think im betraying my parents, i feel bad, but i love her very much. Is it wrong in Islam? Please give your advice. Thank you.
Waseem
auntlatifa
Dear Waseem,
You are in love and you seem to have found your perfect match. At the age of 25 it is quite normal to have the wish to decide about your own life and future.
Now, islamically spoken, the way you met your beloved one was very very haraam, as you are not allowed to speak to a woman and certainly not meet her in real life. Islamically spoken, you should wait for your father's blessing for this union.
I think you will have to wait a long time for this approval that might never occur.
My advice to you : follow your own path, listen to your heart and make your own choices. We are not living in the dark ages anymore. If this woman loves you, if her reasons for your marriage are genuine and pure, if your love is strong enough to overcome your cultural differences, go ahead and live your life.
On the other hand, please do realize that human love is much more important than whatever religion...
I wish you all the best dear Waseem,
Aunt Latifa
auntlatifa
My dear Karen,
You are having a difficult life indeed, living in a country that doesn't suit you and having to get on with people that don't have the same views on life as yourself.
I understand you love your husband. You say he is good and nice with you and your children... But would a good person force you to live in a country you don't want to live in, to maybe have your daughter cicumcised if the rest of the world and especially you yourself don't want that, to lie and deceipt you as he did before ?
Dear Karen, I know that in case of divorce the Egyptian laws will hand over your children to their father and I guess you don't want to loose them. You are a victim like so many other mothers, your children are the only thing that is keeping you in this marriage and in Egypt. You will have to find a plan. Play it with patience but play it well. Find a reason why you will have to leave Egypt for any other country with your children, force your husband to have you and the kids with him in the USA. Play the very good muslimah by praying and behaving like one and tell your husband that you have the islamic right to have your husband with you at night, every night. Start putting as much money aside as you can, you will need it some day. Invent extreme illness of a close parent (father, mother, sister...) living abroad and put the stress on your islamic duty to visit this person before he/she dies, as you have to seek forgiveness for some imaginary fault. Whatever you do, do it the islamic way, this will put his worries of you leaving him asleep. He can even come with you on your journey and as soon as you are out of the reach of Egyptian laws, play it hard. Therefor, you will have to silence whatever love is left over in your heart for your husband, be prepared fot that.
Can your family help you ? Talk to them, together you will be stronger. Do you know people of the Embassy of your country ? Maybe they have ideas ? Seek for help wherever you can, but do it discretely, don't wake up sleeping dogs.
Can any of the readers here help Karen out of her misery ? React please by sending me an email.
I will send you a private email as well.
Warmest regards and keep us posted dear Karen.
Aunt Latifa
auntlatifa
I hope you are fine.
About Karen. I am so sorry. I don't want to hurt her but I think that her husband has remarried in the US. It is why he doesn't let her come: he can't: he is already married in the US! TEN years?!!! Of course he needed a woman in his life! In my opinion, it is a must for a Muslim, at least one:a wife or a girlfriend (or at least the mom). He need a woman for sex but also for the cleaning and for the ego: even if he is not the boss outside, he is the boss at home. Especially that he doesn't have his mother around. Definitively, he got married. I think at least 8 years ago and he has children. Does she has a phone number to call him wherever she wants or is it only him? How he looks in the pictures he is sending, how his clothing looks? Does he change addresses a lot or does he not? Does she know with whom he is hanging out? Does he speak about friends? etc...
All the best,
Anna
Salaam
I have been married for nearly 5 years, we both wanted to get married, but ever since we have been married, we have not experienced a sexual relation, with each other, I care about my husband, and have been living separately for 2 years. The reason why we haven’t had sex is because I feel it is gone hurt and be painful, please can you help, and help me to save my marriage, thank you aunty
A.
auntlatifa
My dear child,
I think you are still very young. And yet married already.
I think also that your husband is also very young and very unexperienced.
Making love doesn't have to hurt my dear, it can even be a wonderful experience, it even should be wonderful. As you love your husband, you'll have to grow towards each other and for that purpose you should spend a lot of time together, without having family around. Get used to each other in a natural way, talk to each other and discuss what is happening to both of you.
It is also possible that you tried to have sex, but that this didn't work out because you are experiencing "vaginism", very often seen in societies where virginity and separation between men/women is very important, such as islamic environments. If this is so, please go and see a doctor to talk about your problem, a solution will be found.
I have to say that your husband is surely a nice man, having all this patience and waiting so long to consume his bride... But apparently his patience has come to an end and I can understand that. Talk to him, let him go with you to the doctor, so he will understand.
I wish you good luck, warmest regards,
Aunt Latifa
Dear aunt,
I have been seeing an italian catholic for 10 years.
we have been unable to move forward in our
relationship as he refuses to convert. i have tried
very hard to convince him but he still maintains his
position. we love each other very much and i have
tried hard to end the relationship but we both find it
very difficult to break free. he wont let me go and i
feel trapped in a dead end relationship.
in our most recent discussion he finally agreed to let
me raise our children solely as muslims which is a
major breakthrough. he still wishes for us both to
keep our faiths but he will marry me islamically.
i am tempted to agree as i am desparate to have
children and my time is running out ( i am 35 years
old)
If he agrees to all of the above but the conversion
can i still marry him? or am i selling soul and
condemning myself and my children to hell.
Please help me. i need to know where i stand in terms
of my faith and what is allowed.
he believes that everyone goes to heaven and our
religion shouldn't get in the way of our love.
Can we get married like this?
Nasreen
auntlatifa
Dear Nasreen,
Well, I think that you know for yourself that love is more important than all religions in the world. Love should not be subjected to religions or other ideologies. How could the fact that you love and get married to your beloved one condemn you and your children to hell ? See, this is a man-made invention, just to keep people dumb and blind.
Anyway, why wouldn't your children choose for themselves whatever religion they want to believe in ? Who are you to condemn them to the narrow-minded views of medieval islam ? Children should get all chances of psychological freedom in the world.
Basing your marriage on religious demands is a very bad start. Instead you better start believing in love and freedom to love whoever you want, regardless his religion. This will assure you a good future and a happy life to your children.
Free yourself from islamic slavery and become a happy and free woman, enjoying life with her wonderful husband and children.
Aunt latifa