Asalaam Alaikum, I am an 18yr old Indian Muslim girl living in Australia. I have always been rebellious, but for the last year or so my conscience has caught up with me and I am repenting my sins heavily. I have an atheist boyfriend who is white. I love him, and he loves me. We are not in any ordinary relationship..it is truly different and he is truly honest and pure to the heart. I have been in a relationship with him for 2 years and my parents don’t know! 5 months ago we had intercourse a few times, but then I realised how terribly I had sinned and repented heavily that I spent hours crying to Allah. Since mid-last year I have been suffering from depression and have been suicidal. If it were not for my boyfriend I would be dead; but burning in the fires of hell as suicide is haraam. During my final year of schooling (last year) I thought Allah had turned his back on me, I am ashamed to say, but I know truly realise how sacrilegious this train of thought was and also heavily repented. Because of my depressive nature I began cutting myself on my arms. The other day, having read that the punishment for pre-marital sex is 100 lashes, I cut myself 100 times along my arms. I am an emotional wreck, and though I am antidepressants I am still finding life difficult. I’m scared that God is unhappy with me. Last year I didn’t get into Medicine, so this year I am trying again. I have been praying every Friday, and other days when I am at home and not working. I have been doing charity work for children with special needs and trying very hard to be good. I also battled a bit with looking at pictures of an erotic nature on the Internet, I am so ashamed to say. I struggled with this because when I did it, I would immediately feel guilty. My boyfriend is also helping me through this problem telling me that I should call him when I feel aroused so we can talk about something different like uni or something. He has saved my life, and saved me from hell..but ironically, the sex and even just having him as a boyfriend, even kissing him makes me fear I will go to hell anyway. I am writing to you today because I am lost and don’t know what to do. I love him and I know had I never entered into a relationship with him I would be much more worse off, suicided most likely. He helps me, he cries when I tell him I want to kill myself. He even prays to Allah for me when I ask him to. I beg for forgiveness from Allah, and through prayer, asked him to accept my boyfriend, but I don’t know what is going to happen to me. I feel like I am only ever truly happy knowing I have my boyfriend. My parents were the cause of my depression, they put a lot of pressure on me to do well, and whatever I did was never good enough. They do not know any of what I am telling you, but I need some advice. I love Allah more than anything and I do not fear death because I rejoice in the knowledge that Allah is waiting for me, but right now I don’t know whether he will sentence me to Hell or let me reside in Heaven with him. Please help me, Aunt Latifa
auntlatifa
My dearest, dearest child,
I can imagine that your life is very difficult. You are in the first place feeling guilty for loving a "white" man. Why on earth true love would be bad ? True love is what differentiates humans from animals, love between a man and a woman is the most complete feeling in this life and can make mountains move. Please don't feel ashamed of loving your friend, on the contrary you should be grateful of having found your soulmate in this life, so many others never do find their soulmate and that is a pitty. Your friend as a good human, he is the one that saved your life, that is helping you out each time again. Think of that, cherish him and n,ever feel guilty again for loving him.
Secondly you do have serious psychologically issues, proven by the fact that you are cutting yourself, partly as a punishment for imaginary sins.It is normal to have a sexual relation at your age, and it is even utterly beautiful to have sex with the person you love. It is the ultimate expression of your mutual love and as your boyfriend is good of heart and really serious with you, there is no problem in that relationship. Please go find a psy and have treatment, you need it and it will help you to see clear in yourself and in your life. Be totally honest with your therapist, no fals shame, it will save your life and get you out of your depression, as you will find out the real reason of it.
Thirdly, please do realize that no religion whatsoever should push anyone into a depression or condamn true love in any way. No real God will punish for a thing that is truely sublimating, as love is. Love is the feeling that comes next to communicating with a godly essence, with your deeper self and the one of your partner. Don't throw your life away for any religion, be sure that a true God stands behind well-intentioned and warmhearted humans. Don't let the useless fear of imaginary hell spoil your life, because it is the only one you've got. So live your life in happines and love. Love is a present from God, don't throw that away, use it as it should be used.
All this will shock you, but I am telling this for your own good. Sweep the dark sides of medieval imagination away and open your mind and heart for freedom and happines. Do count on your boyfriend to help you in this and untie dependance on blind relatives and a religion that think that your life belongs to a revengeful and cruel god that doesn't even allow love and peace between all of his human creatures. Don't you see that this principle is even older than the roman device "divide et impera"..."divide and rule". No God does need that.
I am always here to talk to, I know the road will be long and hard but I do hope that you will get out of your depression and that you and your boyfriend will one day be happy together as you both deserve it ! When you will be free of islamic and backwards shackles, you will be able to study whatever you want and to be a free and loving human being, without any fear of imaginary punishments of imaginary and cruel gods from another age.
I give you a big hug and do hope that you will give me some news about you and your truely good boyfriend.
Aunt Latifa 
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