Journal

# 150. Depressed

auntlatifa — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 22:00:02 +0000

Asalaam Alaikum, I am an 18yr old Indian Muslim girl living in Australia. I have always been rebellious, but for the last year or so my conscience has caught up with me and I am repenting my sins heavily. I have an atheist boyfriend who is white. I love him, and he loves me. We are not in any ordinary relationship..it is truly different and he is truly honest and pure to the heart. I have been in a relationship with him for 2 years and my parents don’t know! 5 months ago we had intercourse a few times, but then I realised how terribly I had sinned and repented heavily that I spent hours crying to Allah. Since mid-last year I have been suffering from depression and have been suicidal. If it were not for my boyfriend I would be dead; but burning in the fires of hell as suicide is haraam. During my final year of schooling (last year) I thought Allah had turned his back on me, I am ashamed to say, but I know truly realise how sacrilegious this train of thought was and also heavily repented. Because of my depressive nature I began cutting myself on my arms. The other day, having read that the punishment for pre-marital sex is 100 lashes, I cut myself 100 times along my arms. I am an emotional wreck, and though I am antidepressants I am still finding life difficult. I’m scared that God is unhappy with me. Last year I didn’t get into Medicine, so this year I am trying again. I have been praying every Friday, and other days when I am at home and not working. I have been doing charity work for children with special needs and trying very hard to be good. I also battled a bit with looking at pictures of an erotic nature on the Internet, I am so ashamed to say. I struggled with this because when I did it, I would immediately feel guilty. My boyfriend is also helping me through this problem telling me that I should call him when I feel aroused so we can talk about something different like uni or something. He has saved my life, and saved me from hell..but ironically, the sex and even just having him as a boyfriend, even kissing him makes me fear I will go to hell anyway. I am writing to you today because I am lost and don’t know what to do. I love him and I know had I never entered into a relationship with him I would be much more worse off, suicided most likely. He helps me, he cries when I tell him I want to kill myself. He even prays to Allah for me when I ask him to. I beg for forgiveness from Allah, and through prayer, asked him to accept my boyfriend, but I don’t know what is going to happen to me. I feel like I am only ever truly happy knowing I have my boyfriend. My parents were the cause of my depression, they put a lot of pressure on me to do well, and whatever I did was never good enough. They do not know any of what I am telling you, but I need some advice. I love Allah more than anything and I do not fear death because I rejoice in the knowledge that Allah is waiting for me, but right now I don’t know whether he will sentence me to Hell or let me reside in Heaven with him. Please help me, Aunt Latifa

# 149. Marriage

auntlatifa — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 20:15:14 +0000

Salaam Alaykum. My name is Waseem and im a muslim man 25 years old from the United Kingdom. I have been searching for a wife on a muslim matrimony site. I sent a message to one girl that i particularly liked, didnt expect her to reply me. She is Ukrainian and also a muslimah. First we just started talking as friends by email, and then after by webcam. Then we became closer as we talked everyday, and we just fell in love. And recently we met up, i went to the ukraine, we met up, i stayed there for a week. Thats when we really felt something, it was so special. Now i've come back home, and we miss each other very much. We want to get married, i told my father that i want to marry her. My father said i cant marry her simply because she is not pakistani like me. And he said that i should marry someone from our own culture. I mean the most important thing is that we are both muslims and my parents should be happy that i found someone whom i love. We love each other very much and want to get married to her. And then i think im betraying my parents, i feel bad, but i love her very much. Is it wrong in Islam? Please give your advice. Thank you.
Waseem

# 148. A cry for help...

auntlatifa — Wed, 07 May 2008 20:48:51 +0000

salam aleikum ant Latifa: thanks god i found your site and also Ali Sina.first i want to tell you i love my husband so much.he is not bad like others and really take care of my two kids(one boy and one girl).We marry 11 years ago now he is working in USA and i am living alone in Egypt,sorry what an awful country),so many times i told him i want to go back to my home in Guatemala,(yes i convert) or go fast with him to USA,but he say to wait,that inshaallah, but i dont see something clear,the only time i feel he is happy is when he tell me to be here during the school time and go just for vacation to USA.i cant live here with out him plus i hate hate hate here you dont imagine how sick i am getting becouse of living here.i also fear that they might circumsais (sory) my daughter, they belive in that weird custom and my husband some times actually 98% of the time broke his prommesis or listen to his mum.just tothink about that even he said that he is not gonna do it for our daughter i dont belive him any more.

Please what i can do. Some times i want to leave him get divorce and start a new life but i really love him. even that sometimes he is to much about religion. I also listen that ther are some asociations that help women go out of muslim contries can you help me with that please.

have mercy i need a friend i cant be her any more

Karen

# 147. Saving my marriage

auntlatifa — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 21:09:51 +0000

Salaam

I have been married for nearly 5 years, we both wanted to get married, but ever since we have been married, we have not experienced a sexual relation, with each other, I care about my husband, and have been living separately for 2 years. The reason why we haven’t had sex is because I feel it is gone hurt and be painful, please can you help, and help me to save my marriage, thank you aunty

# 146. Interfaith marriage

auntlatifa — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 21:01:17 +0000

Dear aunt,

I have been seeing an italian catholic for 10 years.
we have been unable to move forward in our
relationship as he refuses to convert. i have tried
very hard to convince him but he still maintains his
position. we love each other very much and i have
tried hard to end the relationship but we both find it
very difficult to break free. he wont let me go and i
feel trapped in a dead end relationship.

in our most recent discussion he finally agreed to let
me raise our children solely as muslims which is a
major breakthrough. he still wishes for us both to
keep our faiths but he will marry me islamically.

i am tempted to agree as i am desparate to have
children and my time is running out ( i am 35 years
old)

If he agrees to all of the above but the conversion
can i still marry him? or am i selling soul and
condemning myself and my children to hell.

Please help me. i need to know where i stand in terms
of my faith and what is allowed.

he believes that everyone goes to heaven and our
religion shouldn't get in the way of our love.

Can we get married like this?

Nasreen

# 145. Heartbroken

auntlatifa — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 20:51:05 +0000

Dear Aunt Latifa,

I met a wonderful 32 year old French Moroccan man in the U.S. Here was here for his work.

We spent time together here. We knew he'd be going back to France soon since his job ended here.

Since he's left in September, he's called a few times a week, sent some emails and ecards, flowers and a birthday gift for my child.

I haven't heard from him in 2 1/2 weeks. I called and left a message and later wrote to say hi. Now the planned visit, my trip there to visit him, is in about a week. He had invited me to visit him but now no word from him.

I am U.S. born to Hispanic parents, 42 years old with a 12 year old son. Raised in a Catholic home but non-practicing. He's single, no kids. While he's been there he said he wants to move back to the states, has been checking out jobs and real estate. He's always instigated these subjects about future plans. I've rarely called him but sometimes he talked, sometimes I left a message.

I could just not visit but I don't want to miss a vacation in France. I could also just book a hotel and be alone and enjoy myself. But I still think I'll see him when I get off the plane. He knows which flight I'll arrive on.

I've been so so heartbroken, unsure if I'll ever see him again. I'm trying to date here to get over him but my heart isn't in it. I'm just so worried he won't pick me up at the airport and my heart will be in further pain. While I'm there I can certainly keep busy sightseeing (been there before on my own for vacations) but I won't book a hotel yet(in case I can't stay with him) ....thinking he will pick me up at the airport.

I just feel bad sometimes. Even if there's no future, I'd hate to leave things so untidy.

that's all

* 144. Frustrated

auntlatifa — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 21:40:50 +0000

Hi Aunt Latifa,

I am really frustrated. Se my friends always ask me to go to the movies with them or hangout, or even go to their houses. But i always have to make excuses because my parents don't let me go. I'm a straight A student ( a good person). We are Muslim of course and they say that i shouldn't do stuff like that. But sometimes i have to get out. Please help me.
Thank you.
T.

* 143. Muslim men and sex

auntlatifa — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 21:31:51 +0000

Dear Aunt Laitifa,
Praise the Lord for you.
There need to be more people like you around to point out the insanity of some of the behaviors in Islam.

I need your encouragement and comfort. By God's grace and the rejection by the Muslim man, the bullet was dodged.

I casually asked a nice man who was a clerk at a store out 'to coffee'. It was a warm summer evening so when I asked him, I wore a tank top. Maybe he got the wrong idea about me. He made sure when he confirmed the coffee date that I was coming alone without my girlfriend. I assured him I was sincere. I picked him up after his work in my car so I could feel in control.

I didn't know he was Turkish or Muslim until he asked me about my religion. It wouldn't have meant anything to me anyway because I didn't know anything about the culture or religion. I told him I was Christian; I go to an evangelical church altho' I personally am more liberal. Anyways, the coffee date was brief because it was the end of a long work day for him and the restaurant was closing.

When I took him home, and even before then, he kept pressing me to go up to his apt. I refused saying I didn't know him very well. He tried to French kiss me goodbye but I told him to behave himself. Then he said, "I love you." as he closed the car door. I was shocked. We were to go to lunch the next day and he made me promise I'd go to his apt then.

Well, my surrogate mother flipped out the next morning and insisted I make him go to a neutral location for our date instead of me going to his apt and pick him up. When I called him about it, he refused to go saying he was 'too tired'. He wanted to know if I was going to his apt, I said 'No, call me." He never did.

Later, at the store, he said he lost my phone number and could he have it again.

He did call me to chat 2 weeks later. Meanwhile, I developed this wild crush on him. I called him on the phone a couple of times.

After his work one day, I wanted to go to coffee with him; he met me in the parking lot; said we could only be friends altho' we kissed passionately a couple of times. He said the Muslim life would be too hard for me and he was afraid he'd break me. We could only be friends.

Well, after a number of times of trying to get him to go to coffee with me to talk about things, his reply was, "Muslim men do not date." WHAT?! What was coffee the first time?! Couldn't we go out without sexual intimacy?!

Anyways, he's told me, if I try to talk to him, call him or see him at his work, he'll call the police.

What happened? Originally, was I going to be a victim of a mut'a marriage? Why have all the conversations been one way?

Polly
I'm heart broken but not crazy enough to be labeled a criminal.

* 142. I want a divorce ...

auntlatifa — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 21:21:21 +0000

Hello Aunt Latifa,

I am from India. I have a problem which I don't know how to go about. I am married for the past two and half years. I have stayed with my husband for only three days the whole entire marriage. He has been busy with his work and career. Within 6 months of marriage we understood and felt that we have lot of difference in each other and it would be difficult to spend the entire life with each other. We decided we would get divorced. Since then we have decided but were not able to meet up to get the formalities done He is quite busy in making his career and can't come to the place I am in to get things done. I have to get a divorce done by the end of this year as my younger sister is going to get married within few months. I have to get this divorce done ASAP. I tried contacting my husband to get things done and he has told he would be free next year around August. Which would be too late. He never contacted me for months and all of a sudden now when he has gone abroad he calls me once in two weeks and still agrees to get divorced. He plans to come to India for Eid this month. I want to get divorced then. He doesn't want to meet me and wants to spend time with his family. But I want to get the divorce done somehow. Please advise me as to what step do I take next and what are the different ways i could get the divorce done soon. It would really greatful to get a reply as soon as possible.

Thanks and regards,

Confidential

* 141. Awakening and no way back

auntlatifa — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 20:50:34 +0000

Dear aunt Latifa;

I have read your advices to many. I have a long story. I came from non practicing Muslim family in Egypt.

I did not know much about real Islam.I got married at age 27 from a Muslim man to shortly realise what Islam means especially for women, all his behaviour was unexplained to me while it was all against common human sense. But there women must tolerate what is unbearable to have an apparently normal life, in addition divorce is not an option at all in such strict societies. I got a daughter and son in 4 years of marriage, the period i consider the worst in my whole life. I was working in a university till I got a phD sponsorship in UK. in the beginning he showed that he doesn't mind until he got a visa with me 1 month before the supposed time to travel during this month as expected he caused me a lot of troubles and start blackmailing me by all ways for him to allow me go to study, then finally he decided that he will not leave his family to be with me. He made up lots of stories and went to everyone and complain from me even in the place of my work to my colleagues and my managers, I was really devastated. my family helped me to travel on the due time with my 2 children by my own. it was very hard experience, but i found many helping people here and many solutions to my hard life. I spent 1 year by my own. To suddenly find him in front of me in the university one day. I was scared, he continued his behaviour my smearing me in the Muslim community, he never mentions the real causes of refusing to come with me which was money in the first place then just stopping me from getting any further education. he just said she is kafira (infidel) did not wear hejab when I asked her to do. I applied for divorce and I got it after 7 months, while he keep telling everyone this is not Islamic divorce because I was granted divorce in British court!!!. The problem now he used to see kids every week in a supervised place after the court granted me a residency for the children. now he is asking for unsupervised contact the thing I am scared of he take kids away from me, by this I would lose everything. I found your website accidentally through youtube and I found many many answers to all my questions. now I feel free and human being never less than a man for just being a woman. The problem is I got 2 years more to get my degree and I can't imagine to go back in such society. advise me please, I am about to go mad of thinking.

Please don't show my e-mail or name.

thank you very much
XX.